My 90 Days in Hell

My wedding is in 10 months. October 7, 2011. After four and a half years, one daughter, two dogs and a house later, we will be married. Wow. Honestly there is hardly a whole lot for us to do as we are eloping, sort of, but the point is, we just need to make air and hotel reservations, purchase our rings and oh yeah, The Dress. The Dreaded Dress. I was not planning on going fancy since it is a destination wedding but I found a dress I am in love with and why the hell not be a princess? Regardless, this means I have a little over 90 days before I do the traditional horror of wedding dress shopping (its good to keep my toptions open and all that bullshit). So that of course means getting myself into the best shape I can before then. Torture here I come.

Now, I smartly obtained a spiral fracture on the fifth metarsal on my right foot about 6 and a half weeks ago during Irish dance class. I know, I know, I am highly talented. Because it was close to splintering which would require metal pieces and several screws to put back together, I was ordered to be non weight bearing on crutches for SIX bloody ass weeks. Balls.  Of course this meant my 15 miles a week jogging and Irish dancing were abruptly halted. Again, balls. Floor pilates and then thyoga just are not the same. Two days before Xmas I got the nod to start walking in my oh so sexy cam walker boot sans crutches (huzzah). You bet your ass I unevely shuffled into the gym that night to embark on the recumbent bike, which, really, most boring thing, ever. Ever. But whatever, its some sort of cardio or something. Whatever.

We also discovered P90X, did research, tried out a few of the workouts and told them to fuck off, then did them somemore. Yes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, blah blah blah. Anyway, the plan is, recumbent bike daily to almost daily, for the next three weeks while in this stupid, I mean, hot, sexy boot and P90X as much as I can do sans impact on my asshat of a foot. Then add on to it when healed, back to running and dancing eventually. I have a feeling it will make me cry but I'm desparate. Wedding dress, people, wedding dress!

Feh

Okay, so I am a bit of a slacker, whatever. Here's a short update:

Moved into new house on Valentine's Day, yay.
Got a new puppy (Australian Shepherd/Great Pyrenees mix) from Helen Woodward Animal Center the week after. Cynara is happy.
My car transmission died a month ago, well it still runs but its about to die; would have cost nearly $4,000 to fix. Cried, invested in a rental car for the past 3 weeks while working to improve credit. I am waiting for paperwork to be all filed, but apparently it takes the Pennyslvania 20 million years to do a simple process.
Didn't want to shell out $300 a week anymore for a car. Cried, stressed, got depressed.
Alfred, the best guy ever, agreed to co-sign on a loan if the dealership would approve us. They did. At a really high APR, but that's where future refinancing comes in once credit gets a bump, which the being on the loan will help so I can now have an open line of credit rather than no open line which actually hurts you.
Now own a 2009 Versa Sedan S class, or rather, the bank owns it, but whatever. Yay.
Now I'm broke until next payday which is 2 weeks away; have enough for gas and food and baby products at least.
1st mortgage payment and 1st car payment due next month rather than this month, huzzah.
Just need new garb for Faire and an all-terrain wagon for Lilly to cart her around Faire, and clothes as I continue to lose weight, 'cause I discovered in the move I really don't have more than 4 outfits for work and only 1 or 2 for casual warm weather.
Have a solo for the St. Patrick's Day show.
Its the dreaded slip jig. And because the slip jig isn't slow and long enough, she added more steps to the end of it. Did I mention its a solo? Like all by myself? Uhm, yay? Eeeek! First performance is March 14...that's 12 days! AH!

Fin.

Going on Day 4

Unfortunately I've had to add some carbs into my meals because trying to get myself ready, dinner for us made, lunch made, as well as making sure the baby has meals for her breakfast and lunch, excludes being able to make a proper South Beach Phase 1 Breakfast. I could ideally prepare these things the night before, however, after cleaning up, reading homework, and to be adding in cleaning/packing and dance practice, the last thing I want to do is stay up later to prepare shit. So, Kashi GoLean Oatmeal it is in the mornings 2 out of 4 days. Ah well I guess. You'd think however, with the sudden huge drop in carb meals there'd be something already...but nope, that scale hasn't budged. Its also really difficult to incorporate the WW and SB together. Its harder to stay within the points range. Whatever. Maybe I'm just doomed to be 1 lb "overweight" and never able to get back down to my pre-pregnancy size ever again, which would ultimately mean I remain virtually invisible and undesirable for the rest of my life. Sad.

Time Mocks Me

Time. I wish there were an abundance of it. Instead he, the god Cronos, instead sneers at me from a distance, just staying out of reach. I suppose if I didn't desire to sleep to help keep the depression at bay, I could effectively have more time, but whatever. My first class this quarter is grueling. It has the usual heavy reading load, but a writing load excessive even by English Lit. graduate status: approximately 10 pages of writing per week. So needless to say, it eats a lot of time. Then of course, work and baby. And now we have to somehow scramble packing and cleaning of the house in preparation for moving. Hah. Time laughs.

I began a modified South Beach Diet plan ontop of Weight Watchers. I began just yesterday and will probably need to use this blog to keep my sanity for the first two weeks without bread or white sugary foods. I still do fruits, and diary, especially diary of the chocolate kind. I did this before my wedding the same way and it was effective. I'd like to say my exercise has started up again but it has not; again that whole time thing. I need to set aside at least a half hour to practice dance. I will need to do that anyway beginning in February. I will be dancing twice a week because we'll be practicing for the St. Patrick's Day performances which means I'll need to also practice outside class time. I did almost do the treble jig to fast real time in class last week. I was very proud. I'm finding hard shoe enjoyable and it gives one a killer (re: ouch, my legs hurt) inner thigh workout. I also discovered the birthcontrol pill they placed me on, Yasmin, was probably causing more trouble than I needed. I had had other issues with it for a while but apparently its very well known to kill your libido as well as make one overweight; two of my main problems. So I requested getting back on Ovcon 35 which I great with, but Kaiser doesn't carry it so they put me on something else similar to Ovcon. I start that on Sunday. Lets hope it restores my body back to normal.

Lilly is so close to walking its amazing. She can hold on with one hand and walk around forever. I got her to walk at my side just holding my hand for a little bit. She tries to let go and stumbles still. Half the time I don't think she realizes she's standing all by herself without holding on to anything. At this rate it appears she will be running back Faire season :)

I am going to bite the bullet and get new garb for this run. Even if I lose another chunk of weight, my boobs haven't shrank and won't fit in my bodice anyway and I somehow doubt this jello c-section tummy will ever go away even if I'm back down to pre-preggo size so I am eyeing a a bodice, skirt and a second chemise and am in need of new shoes as well. Ouch and ugh, I wish I could sew; oh wait, there's the whole time issue...again.

Damn you, Cronos.

Musings of a Drugged Mind

I've taken approximately 3 Midrin. While the 1st two usually don't have much affect, the subsequent doses tend to make the sedative in the Midrin effective. I should be going to bed instead of writing this. I probably shouldn't even divulge these subsequent thoughts, yet I won't censor myself completely.

2008 was both wonderful and terrible. It brought me more love than I ever thought possible in the form of a squalling, laughing, squealing, and pooping tiny little human being, my daughter, Lillian. She stands at 11 months now; hard to believe how much she's altered in the past year. She giggles, she flirts, she's learning so much every day and never fails to make me smile. My heart bursts at the thought of her. I have been blessed and I am thankful to have such a wonderful, intelligent, loving, and healthy child. I cannot wait to see what the next year of development brings.

Alfred and I continued to grow closer even though I have tried to shove him away several times, believing it was for the best. I've been difficult to deal with, unfortunately riddled with postpartum depression. It lingers still, but not quite to the extent of it all.

I never really faced the changes in my life the year before, I kept going, kept trying to take one step forward to make a life for the child I carried in my womb. But, I lost a husband. I almost lost my best friend. I almost lost Alfred. My early pregnancy was wrought with stress, tears, and heartache. I wasn't sure if Alfred was going to stay, was ever going to forgive me. I lived in an environment that stressed me out everyday, I felt so alone because I barely saw him and I had no friends remaining in San Diego, all of them in Pittsburgh. I still feeling so alone many times due to this fact. I dream and miss Pittsburgh quite often. I miss the open country. I miss the character of the old houses. I miss the weather. I miss my friends. But now as of December, Alfred and I have lived together for a year and our love remains steady and strong. I still can't trust that he won't leave me eventually, though. I am insecure and I worry despite his promises.

We officially entered into escrow on a house today. It's a decent place but has no character; just white and tan. I know we can make it so it has life again with plans of xeriscaping the desolate yard and adding color to the white walls. Still, the homes here cost more than other cities, and lacks in the same character and beauty (and land, though we will have a fairly decent sized yard), so at the same time I am sad, but excited, and scared of this important step forward.

As for my relationship concerns. I am afraid that I will rue the day he and his ex before/in between me actually see each other in person once again. I know he still loves her. I can't fault him for that, but the thought hurts and it makes me nervous. She had a great personality, very funny, exceptionally creative, is beautiful and I believe, made him happy. He loved her, and loves her still, I've no doubt. So I worry over it. I prepare for it.

I desire more than just being a girlfriend at this juncture though I won't bring it up anytime soon, I am not that kind of person to nag about such things. I yearn for my child to be legitimize to know that I'm not giving the milk for free, so to speak. Yes, I want marriage again, eventually. But I want to do it right this time. I want the proper proposal, the ring, albeit simple, but a ring nonetheless. I want an extended, long engagement, with plenty of planning. I don't care for a fancy ceremony, just the two of us would suffice. I want a dress that Lillian can one day declare, "this was my mother's dress. She looked beautiful and was so happy" and maybe use one day for her own wedding, or simply cherish as a keepsake. I just want to be a family in every sense possible. And I want to live that life together as a whole. I want to do it right. I want to love, to be loved in every way.

My goals for this year, finally get out of the last etches of my financial debts except for school loans. To acquire a new car before mine officially bites the dust. To lose the last of this baby weight. To make it through the school year with some sanity intact and prepare for my Master thesis. To dance in a feis. To save money in preparation of sending Lilly to a performing arts pre-school when she's 3. To maybe take up fencing again. To master the timing of the treble reel. To love Alfred and Lilly with all the I am. To be happy. To smile and laugh often.

The Run Down....

Christmas hasn't totally happened yet for us. What did happen was a case of the worst stomach bug ever. I say this with no exaggeration. I've had the stomach flu before but this, this was absolutely number 1 of bad bugs....so far. Last Monday, Lilly came down with it, which I feel so bad that she got this horrible thing as her first real sickness at 10.5 month old. It was so hard having her writhe in pain and scream as her little body was racked with the heaves of vomiting. Ugh, poor little girl. On Christmas Eve, I came down ill, very ill. I could not stop vomiting. I could not hold any liquid down, period. I quickly became dehydrated to the point I could barely stand anymore and my lips started turning blue. I was rushed to the ER and after 4 rounds of anti-nausea meds and a bag of fluids, my blood work was incredibly abnormal and I still was sick so they admitted me at 1 am Christmas Day into the hospital. After a 5th dose of meds, more fluids, and a private, quiet hospital room, I slept and mended, being released at 1 pm Christmas Day to go home and sleep. Almost a week later, we're still all recovering. Alfred got sick while we were in the ER and had to go home. He, luckily, was only sick for 24 hours because on the 26th, his mom and sister came down ill. His mom had been helping us watch Lilly while were we sick. Soooo yeah, Merry Christmas! We celebrated a bit with my folks on Sunday, and will hopefully have Christmas with Alfred's family, albeit late, but happy :). Maybe I can actually eat the Christmas feast. My parent's gave us the rest of their huge ham, but I've yet to be able to enjoy it. I just graduated to dry cereal.

Otherwise, life is good. The Winter Quarter starts in a week for school. Irish Dance continues to be enjoyable.

I shall muse about 2008 next...

Nothing is like it seems, turn my grief to grace

Unfortunately life has just been exhausting. I began my Master's program at the end of September. One week of class equals two weeks of work on campus, so you can imagine, I have a ton of reading and writing to do within a week's time on top of my job and my family life. I will admit, it has not been easy. While I have happier moments, with states of calmness and tranquility, my breakdowns come without warning now. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed, then anger takes its strangling hold, or else, bitter tears stain my cheeks. Hell, I actually began crying in public yesterday over stupid Build-A-Bear. I don't cry in public! So, in some ways, the PPD has begun to improve, but with exhaustion and stresses, it never ceases to remind me, the demon lives on inside. I remain medication free though and am bound to get through it medication free.

I love, love love, my Irish Step Dance class as well. It's going wonderfully and frustratingly. Surprisingly we get to begin hard shoe either this week or next. She told us in August, when we began that it would be at least a year before we got to hard shoe, but apparently we must be doing a good enough job to do it sooner! I know the beginner's reel, light jig, slip jig (most difficult but I love it...or have a love/hate relationship with it), and single jig. I believe the first hard shoe dance is a treble reel or treble jig. Regardless, its going to be difficult. I'm not ready to compete yet, personally, I'm too much of a perfectionist to attempt it so soon; a lot of technical aspects to work out first.

Alfred and I have been working on purchasing a home. The market sucks. Yes, even for a buyer's market, it still sucks. A foreclosure means you have a 50/50 chance of finding a home in need of only cosmetic repairs, or an oh my god, did this place used to house drug dealers or animals? In some instances, both wound up being the case (Alfred and our agent, Eric, located a crack pipe in one of the houses). People get angry. In turn, these people take their aggression out on the house before being evicted, can't blame them really, but ugh, the banks rarely desire to fix up the property. Although, I have noticed that there is an increase in banks paying for repairs, new carpet and paint in cases of homes being totally wrecked because they know no one will purchase it otherwise. We have lost out on a few homes because we were too late in getting our offer in (you literally have to go that same day the home is posted and hope for the best), or the bank decides to accept multiple offers, then requests the "best" offers to be submitted, which means, we lose because investors with cash available tend to have better offers. We have an offer standing on a house right now, that we got in literally just a few hours after the house had come on the market, but unfortunately it was the night before Thanksgiving so over this entire weekend, people could be looking and submitting offers. If its a bank that is evil and likes to have multiple and best offers, rather taking first come first serve, then we're doomed. I am trying not to get my hopes up, disappointment seems to be the name of the game, alas.

Lillian continues to grow and amaze. Her physical milestones appear to occur at average levels, but her cognitive skills however, seem to be advance. She has a growing awareness and vocabulary. She can say, "woof woof" and "dag" for dog, and loves to bark at them. It's cute to watch her tug on Alfred's pant legs, lifting her arms up, saying, "Dada, bup!"...yes, that's a sentence in a 10 month old. "Num nums" are food and only food. She's known mama and who it applies to for several months now. She learned how to shake her head no from one single video on Sesame Street the other day too. She loves, absolutely loves music (to the point that she can bob her head and kick her leg in time with the music) so I went onto Sesame Street's website where they have videos of their songs. Well, one of the songs is Oscar the Grouch with some kids doing the "No No Dance" where they shake their heads and literally halfway through the short video she began to shake her head no and has been doing ever since. I told Alfred, uhm I knew Sesame Street was educational but I had no idea it was that immediate. Yeah, as I said, my kid's brain is developing faster than her body, which is just fine with me!

I began Weight Watchers about a month ago. Two weeks ago I started the Couch to 5K program. I know, I've done running in the past, but my body is just so beat up, I decided it was time to start from the beginning. I get up earlier every other day before work and do the program. I have lost 5 lbs in the month since beginning Weight Watchers; finally the pregnancy weight is going down.

I also began physical therapy for my back again. It's only been about 8 years, but I finally decided to do something about the scar tissue and pain. The PT said there was no easy fix for someone in my condition, bah. I need to do a combination of strengthening the really deep inner muscles, then out as well as painful deep tissue massage to try and break up the scar tissue. This mind you, hurts. Using arnica gel, and his stregnth, Alfred has volunteered to provide the deep tissue torture. After this is done, its followed by ice to calm down the inflammation. Over years and years worth of scar tissue, I feel like I'm in that scene of 40 Year Old Virgin when he gets the wax treatment to violently rip the hair from his chest and he's cussing out thet technican, yeah I feel like doing that to Alfred when he's working my back.

Really, despite small inconveniences, and amidst this whole economic crisis, we are truly lucky. We both have jobs. We can feed Lillian and ourselves. We have a home. We can afford to purchase the things we need and pay our bills. In today's modern financial depression, that's an accomplishment. We have a wonderful family, a strong, steady, and growing love, a beautiful little girl, and our crazy dog; much to be thankful for to say the least.