So, everyone is all excited about Alfred and Lilly...and then I'm somewhere thrown to the side. What I mean is, his friends who find out about the baby, get all excited over her and him. I'm offered congrats and a "she's beautiful"...sometimes, but really, I always get thrown to the side, unless I'm enduring comments such as, "Oh, is this the mother?" No, no, I'm not, I'm just the hot nanny he's screwing. Seriously. Women. Suck. Why are we our own worst critics? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this at all. When Alfred and I first began dating, people were livid, they hated me for the simple fact that he picked me and not them. Rumors were spread, looks were given, nasty comments made. So, now, he not only picked me again, but I am the mother of his child, reasons to hate me more. Whatever. Fine. I'll be the pariah, but one day, I won't sit by quietly. Tick, tock, tick, tock....
It's been a while since I posted, I know. I haven't much felt like it really, even though work is as boring as usual. Sigh. Life update: I'm still depressed. I still hate living in San Diego and desire to be elsewhere. We're looking to buy a house. I start school on the 24th. Lilly started crawling, waving and wanting to feed herself this past weekend. She can pull herself to standing when given the chance as well. She loves to dance. I started an Irish Step Dance class a month ago and LOVE it...gives me something else to love in my life besides Alfred and Lilly, gods know I needed it. And yep, that's it in a nutshell. Fin.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
“He who has a mind to do mischief will always find a pretense”
It's been a little while since I wrote...
I've been working my butt off on working out and cutting calories the past 2 and a half weeks, really stepping it up. The scale mocks me, but the measuring tape is being generous; I've lost a half inch from the thighs, waist and an inch from my hips. It's going to be a very slow progress as I may have what they call postpartum thyroid-whatever, which showed signs of a hyperthyroid at the beginning of the postpartum period (which mine did) and then around this time postpartum, it slows down into hypothyroidism. Good news, in most people it goes away at about 12-18 months PP *sigh* But in the meantime, I'm redeveloping healthier eating habits; I get full sooner so I can't really pig out and I can go longer between eating.
My ex-husband appears to may be getting remarried. He emailed me stating he needed a copy of the divorce decree and how to go about getting one from the courthouse here. Seriously, the only reason a guy would need a copy of a divorce decree is to prove that he's really no longer married to obtain a marriage certificate. As much as I hate him, this sort of pisses me off. After all the crap he put me through, the financial damage, the spiteful actions, the stress, and a year later he's looking to get remarried? I know I had a child, I should talk, but the baby wasn't planned, it was accidental, I didn't go out and propose to Alfred and he hasn't proposed to me. But I think as Maggie pointed out, I got the better end of the deal as I got Lilly and who knows what his new wife to be is like.
Lilly is doing great. She's crawling in circles now, and she's good at it, so maybe she'll start moving forward soon, then we'll be in trouble! We're trying to see if we can wean her to a regular formula now. We did 2 oz of the Carnation Good Start with cultures and 4 oz Nutramigen mix for the first week, now this week we're up to a half and half mix. So far so good! She actually doesn't spit up as much either and lets out burps that makes her momma proud ;). Next week we'll move to a 4 oz Carnation, 2 oz Nutramigen mix and then hopefully, fingers crossed straight onto nothing but regular formula. If that happens, with the solid food increase, she'll be taking in less formula and with a cheaper formula that means saved money!
We had our annual trip to Disneyland on July 17, Disneyland's birthday. Our theme this year was paparazzi. We had a token "star" which was Scott dressed in regular clothes with a baseball cap, a bluetooth and sunglasses. There were a couple "bodyguards" dressed in black and the rest as press with their cameras or press badges. We made a couple press badges and dressed normally. However, first ride in, Pirates, the management asked us to remove our badges because people were asking us about who that was with us, thinking that Scott was really a star and we were his entourage. So because we created "too much commotion" and made people "think there's actually a celebrity at Disneyland" that day, and our press badges looked to authentic (yay for us) we had to remove them and behave. Disneyland management and higher ups really have a stick up their butts, I tell ya. Second ride, Haunted Mansion, we got to ride back up the large elevator with all the photos, the stretching room, you know, on our backs...the ride person told us to lay on the ground and it just looks neat watching the ceiling coming rushing back at you so that was different. And Alfred got to go into California Adventure for the first time. We only did California Screamer, The Tower of Terror and Soaring Over California, but really, those were the couple of rides that aer worth it. All in all, we had a great time :)
Oh yeah, the new Batman movie, rocks. Heath Ledger, its a damn shame, he did an awesome, awesome, creepy job.
I've been working my butt off on working out and cutting calories the past 2 and a half weeks, really stepping it up. The scale mocks me, but the measuring tape is being generous; I've lost a half inch from the thighs, waist and an inch from my hips. It's going to be a very slow progress as I may have what they call postpartum thyroid-whatever, which showed signs of a hyperthyroid at the beginning of the postpartum period (which mine did) and then around this time postpartum, it slows down into hypothyroidism. Good news, in most people it goes away at about 12-18 months PP *sigh* But in the meantime, I'm redeveloping healthier eating habits; I get full sooner so I can't really pig out and I can go longer between eating.
My ex-husband appears to may be getting remarried. He emailed me stating he needed a copy of the divorce decree and how to go about getting one from the courthouse here. Seriously, the only reason a guy would need a copy of a divorce decree is to prove that he's really no longer married to obtain a marriage certificate. As much as I hate him, this sort of pisses me off. After all the crap he put me through, the financial damage, the spiteful actions, the stress, and a year later he's looking to get remarried? I know I had a child, I should talk, but the baby wasn't planned, it was accidental, I didn't go out and propose to Alfred and he hasn't proposed to me. But I think as Maggie pointed out, I got the better end of the deal as I got Lilly and who knows what his new wife to be is like.
Lilly is doing great. She's crawling in circles now, and she's good at it, so maybe she'll start moving forward soon, then we'll be in trouble! We're trying to see if we can wean her to a regular formula now. We did 2 oz of the Carnation Good Start with cultures and 4 oz Nutramigen mix for the first week, now this week we're up to a half and half mix. So far so good! She actually doesn't spit up as much either and lets out burps that makes her momma proud ;). Next week we'll move to a 4 oz Carnation, 2 oz Nutramigen mix and then hopefully, fingers crossed straight onto nothing but regular formula. If that happens, with the solid food increase, she'll be taking in less formula and with a cheaper formula that means saved money!
We had our annual trip to Disneyland on July 17, Disneyland's birthday. Our theme this year was paparazzi. We had a token "star" which was Scott dressed in regular clothes with a baseball cap, a bluetooth and sunglasses. There were a couple "bodyguards" dressed in black and the rest as press with their cameras or press badges. We made a couple press badges and dressed normally. However, first ride in, Pirates, the management asked us to remove our badges because people were asking us about who that was with us, thinking that Scott was really a star and we were his entourage. So because we created "too much commotion" and made people "think there's actually a celebrity at Disneyland" that day, and our press badges looked to authentic (yay for us) we had to remove them and behave. Disneyland management and higher ups really have a stick up their butts, I tell ya. Second ride, Haunted Mansion, we got to ride back up the large elevator with all the photos, the stretching room, you know, on our backs...the ride person told us to lay on the ground and it just looks neat watching the ceiling coming rushing back at you so that was different. And Alfred got to go into California Adventure for the first time. We only did California Screamer, The Tower of Terror and Soaring Over California, but really, those were the couple of rides that aer worth it. All in all, we had a great time :)
Oh yeah, the new Batman movie, rocks. Heath Ledger, its a damn shame, he did an awesome, awesome, creepy job.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Lonely...
I am alone. I miss my friends. I have none here. I hate it. No one even seems to talk to me anymore, or very rarely. What the point anymore?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Life is going well. Alfred and I are still doing fantastically. Lilly is getting big so fast and is such a delight. I'm finally seeing some muscle definition on my thighs which is awesome. Speaking of Lilly here are some new photos, mostly goofy ones, she has the silliest expressions, but she's cute nonetheless :)
http://picasaweb.google.com/aroebuck/June2008BabyLillian?authkey=7YZ5Wu6H150
http://picasaweb.google.com
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Slowly...
It's been a roller coaster, but I'm slowly gaining some control. I stopped going to my therapy class. It was just stressing me out to get to work on time so I can leave and spend that time after work in a class when I rather be hiking or spending time with my daughter. They gave me the tools I needed in the beginning to help me work on fixing myself, I'm not stupid, I figured it out. So, when I felt a spiral begin to happen, I was able to work myself out of it instead of shutting down. Am I better? Hell no. But am I better than I was? Yes. I'm learning how to just remove myself from the situation and breath working through what I can feel could tumble out of control if I let it and keep it from getting below a certain level. I am still sensitive. I find myself thinking that Alfred's annoyed at me or criticizing me, but the rational part of me thinks that may be silly and there's no reason to feel hurt. Same thing when I feel my temper boiling up, I step back, and know that there's no reason for the irrational anger so I remove myself and remain quiet until the rage passes....or I take it out on the damn ants invading our house. It's helped. My job is still a trigger so it's difficult to combat working and the PPD, which may be why I won't be better anytime soon, but at least I can tell when I'm starting to decline and am able to stop it for the most part. Yeah, I still cry, but I only cry for a couple minutes and not all the time. Slowly, one step at a time, slowly, I heal. Going hiking has been great. I'm finally able to do it every other day now and am actually starting to see muscle tone working its way through the fat! My c-section belly will never be toned...I'll probably need a tummy tuck for that, but at least everything else is slowly edging its way back to shape, and that is a huge, huge help. Plus, I love getting out in the backcountry, away from the city for awhile. I hate living in the suburbs. I miss the open country desperately.
Lilly's doing fantastically. She's gone from a baby that has to always be in motion, not letting us sit because she wants us walking around with her to actually chilling with mommy and daddy, sitting on the couch. She talks up a storm, making new sounds all the time. She's very very close to saying, "mama"...of course when she's crying and upset she sounds like she's saying, "No!" or "Maaaa!" She also "sings" in the car along with me or with the music playing, its really cute. She has tried to crawl and has managed to fling herself a couple inches. She lifted herself onto her knees yesterday briefly and has also tried to sit up from laying down. Ahhh!! Growing up so fast. We've also had to start solids. She's grabbing at my drinking glass and putting it to her mouth to "drink" So I've been letting her play with her sipping cup filled with water as she can have small amounts of water now to satisfy that need of wanting a cup to "drink" (she can only manage to get out like a drop from the cup at this point so I'm not worried). So far we know she enjoys sweet potatoes mixed with a bit of cinnamon and carrots. We're still experimenting with pre-made organic baby food so we can find out what she likes and then once we have a list, I'll be making homemade baby food for her.
And yeah, that's about it...
Lilly's doing fantastically. She's gone from a baby that has to always be in motion, not letting us sit because she wants us walking around with her to actually chilling with mommy and daddy, sitting on the couch. She talks up a storm, making new sounds all the time. She's very very close to saying, "mama"...of course when she's crying and upset she sounds like she's saying, "No!" or "Maaaa!" She also "sings" in the car along with me or with the music playing, its really cute. She has tried to crawl and has managed to fling herself a couple inches. She lifted herself onto her knees yesterday briefly and has also tried to sit up from laying down. Ahhh!! Growing up so fast. We've also had to start solids. She's grabbing at my drinking glass and putting it to her mouth to "drink" So I've been letting her play with her sipping cup filled with water as she can have small amounts of water now to satisfy that need of wanting a cup to "drink" (she can only manage to get out like a drop from the cup at this point so I'm not worried). So far we know she enjoys sweet potatoes mixed with a bit of cinnamon and carrots. We're still experimenting with pre-made organic baby food so we can find out what she likes and then once we have a list, I'll be making homemade baby food for her.
And yeah, that's about it...
Friday, June 13, 2008
Moose-Girl!
We have such a moose child! Now I can understand people saying she's a big girl, because damn, she's a big girl! She weighed in at 17 lbs, 9 oz and measured 26.5 inches long! Holy crap. The doctor assured us that her height and weight are proportional and not to worry about her being fat because she's not, she just a big girl! I'm thinking, yeah, how can she be fat when all she gets is formula! And she only has 4-5 feedings a day 4-6oz, which is the normal minimal amount. The doctor looked the Lilly, then Alfred and laughed, saying she's really pulling from daddy's genes in this. Yeesh child! Moose-girl!
Alfred gave Lilly his cold, then she gave it to me, ugh I say, ugh! I had to miss my group therapy class last night because I felt like crap! And I have to work today because there's only 2 of us admins in upstairs. I want to sleeeeeep. Bleh *flails*
Alfred gave Lilly his cold, then she gave it to me, ugh I say, ugh! I had to miss my group therapy class last night because I felt like crap! And I have to work today because there's only 2 of us admins in upstairs. I want to sleeeeeep. Bleh *flails*
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
And baby says, dance magic dance!
Here are some updated photos of our little LilyPad!
http://picasaweb.google.com/aroebuck/May2008BabyLillian?authkey=EbV9IbpqoD4
She has her 4 month appointment this afternoon so we'll find out how much of a moose she's become and how long she is now. She also caught Alfred's cold so she was very stuffed up and bellowed every time we suctioned the snot out of her nose, poor thing. Otherwise, she was in a good mood but of course, today she gets like 6 vaccinations (1 oral, 2 shots in one leg and a really huge, evil needle in the other...I think that's the HepB one, which really, I think is evil to give to infants. They didn't require us to get them until we were 13. Unfortunately its required for school now so alas, she must get it). So yay, nothing like injecting the body with dead viruses when its got its first cold....tonight's gonna be fun. We're also going to ask the pedi when we can try and see if she can tolerate something other than the Nutramigen formula. I think not until 6 months, but, knowing that will help, its so damn expensive. We tried feeding bananas yesterday, lol same drama queen yuck face as the apples, but she started to arch her back away from the spoon so those are off the list for now :P
Enjoy the photos...oh if you know anyone in need of a cheap wedding dress, I'm trying to sell mine, for about $300, includes the petty coat and veil, so its a bargain considering what I paid for all of that plus the alterations to be able to make it into a French bustle...if the offer is serious enough, I'm willing to go down a bit lower. So yeah, just in case, pass the word, I have photos for those who don't remember it, its a rockin' dress....too bad the marriage wasn't (my therapist suspects the ex was possibly into drugs with his rapid mood swings and not paying the bills).
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