Musings of a Drugged Mind

I've taken approximately 3 Midrin. While the 1st two usually don't have much affect, the subsequent doses tend to make the sedative in the Midrin effective. I should be going to bed instead of writing this. I probably shouldn't even divulge these subsequent thoughts, yet I won't censor myself completely.

2008 was both wonderful and terrible. It brought me more love than I ever thought possible in the form of a squalling, laughing, squealing, and pooping tiny little human being, my daughter, Lillian. She stands at 11 months now; hard to believe how much she's altered in the past year. She giggles, she flirts, she's learning so much every day and never fails to make me smile. My heart bursts at the thought of her. I have been blessed and I am thankful to have such a wonderful, intelligent, loving, and healthy child. I cannot wait to see what the next year of development brings.

Alfred and I continued to grow closer even though I have tried to shove him away several times, believing it was for the best. I've been difficult to deal with, unfortunately riddled with postpartum depression. It lingers still, but not quite to the extent of it all.

I never really faced the changes in my life the year before, I kept going, kept trying to take one step forward to make a life for the child I carried in my womb. But, I lost a husband. I almost lost my best friend. I almost lost Alfred. My early pregnancy was wrought with stress, tears, and heartache. I wasn't sure if Alfred was going to stay, was ever going to forgive me. I lived in an environment that stressed me out everyday, I felt so alone because I barely saw him and I had no friends remaining in San Diego, all of them in Pittsburgh. I still feeling so alone many times due to this fact. I dream and miss Pittsburgh quite often. I miss the open country. I miss the character of the old houses. I miss the weather. I miss my friends. But now as of December, Alfred and I have lived together for a year and our love remains steady and strong. I still can't trust that he won't leave me eventually, though. I am insecure and I worry despite his promises.

We officially entered into escrow on a house today. It's a decent place but has no character; just white and tan. I know we can make it so it has life again with plans of xeriscaping the desolate yard and adding color to the white walls. Still, the homes here cost more than other cities, and lacks in the same character and beauty (and land, though we will have a fairly decent sized yard), so at the same time I am sad, but excited, and scared of this important step forward.

As for my relationship concerns. I am afraid that I will rue the day he and his ex before/in between me actually see each other in person once again. I know he still loves her. I can't fault him for that, but the thought hurts and it makes me nervous. She had a great personality, very funny, exceptionally creative, is beautiful and I believe, made him happy. He loved her, and loves her still, I've no doubt. So I worry over it. I prepare for it.

I desire more than just being a girlfriend at this juncture though I won't bring it up anytime soon, I am not that kind of person to nag about such things. I yearn for my child to be legitimize to know that I'm not giving the milk for free, so to speak. Yes, I want marriage again, eventually. But I want to do it right this time. I want the proper proposal, the ring, albeit simple, but a ring nonetheless. I want an extended, long engagement, with plenty of planning. I don't care for a fancy ceremony, just the two of us would suffice. I want a dress that Lillian can one day declare, "this was my mother's dress. She looked beautiful and was so happy" and maybe use one day for her own wedding, or simply cherish as a keepsake. I just want to be a family in every sense possible. And I want to live that life together as a whole. I want to do it right. I want to love, to be loved in every way.

My goals for this year, finally get out of the last etches of my financial debts except for school loans. To acquire a new car before mine officially bites the dust. To lose the last of this baby weight. To make it through the school year with some sanity intact and prepare for my Master thesis. To dance in a feis. To save money in preparation of sending Lilly to a performing arts pre-school when she's 3. To maybe take up fencing again. To master the timing of the treble reel. To love Alfred and Lilly with all the I am. To be happy. To smile and laugh often.