Nothing is like it seems, turn my grief to grace

Unfortunately life has just been exhausting. I began my Master's program at the end of September. One week of class equals two weeks of work on campus, so you can imagine, I have a ton of reading and writing to do within a week's time on top of my job and my family life. I will admit, it has not been easy. While I have happier moments, with states of calmness and tranquility, my breakdowns come without warning now. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed, then anger takes its strangling hold, or else, bitter tears stain my cheeks. Hell, I actually began crying in public yesterday over stupid Build-A-Bear. I don't cry in public! So, in some ways, the PPD has begun to improve, but with exhaustion and stresses, it never ceases to remind me, the demon lives on inside. I remain medication free though and am bound to get through it medication free.

I love, love love, my Irish Step Dance class as well. It's going wonderfully and frustratingly. Surprisingly we get to begin hard shoe either this week or next. She told us in August, when we began that it would be at least a year before we got to hard shoe, but apparently we must be doing a good enough job to do it sooner! I know the beginner's reel, light jig, slip jig (most difficult but I love it...or have a love/hate relationship with it), and single jig. I believe the first hard shoe dance is a treble reel or treble jig. Regardless, its going to be difficult. I'm not ready to compete yet, personally, I'm too much of a perfectionist to attempt it so soon; a lot of technical aspects to work out first.

Alfred and I have been working on purchasing a home. The market sucks. Yes, even for a buyer's market, it still sucks. A foreclosure means you have a 50/50 chance of finding a home in need of only cosmetic repairs, or an oh my god, did this place used to house drug dealers or animals? In some instances, both wound up being the case (Alfred and our agent, Eric, located a crack pipe in one of the houses). People get angry. In turn, these people take their aggression out on the house before being evicted, can't blame them really, but ugh, the banks rarely desire to fix up the property. Although, I have noticed that there is an increase in banks paying for repairs, new carpet and paint in cases of homes being totally wrecked because they know no one will purchase it otherwise. We have lost out on a few homes because we were too late in getting our offer in (you literally have to go that same day the home is posted and hope for the best), or the bank decides to accept multiple offers, then requests the "best" offers to be submitted, which means, we lose because investors with cash available tend to have better offers. We have an offer standing on a house right now, that we got in literally just a few hours after the house had come on the market, but unfortunately it was the night before Thanksgiving so over this entire weekend, people could be looking and submitting offers. If its a bank that is evil and likes to have multiple and best offers, rather taking first come first serve, then we're doomed. I am trying not to get my hopes up, disappointment seems to be the name of the game, alas.

Lillian continues to grow and amaze. Her physical milestones appear to occur at average levels, but her cognitive skills however, seem to be advance. She has a growing awareness and vocabulary. She can say, "woof woof" and "dag" for dog, and loves to bark at them. It's cute to watch her tug on Alfred's pant legs, lifting her arms up, saying, "Dada, bup!"...yes, that's a sentence in a 10 month old. "Num nums" are food and only food. She's known mama and who it applies to for several months now. She learned how to shake her head no from one single video on Sesame Street the other day too. She loves, absolutely loves music (to the point that she can bob her head and kick her leg in time with the music) so I went onto Sesame Street's website where they have videos of their songs. Well, one of the songs is Oscar the Grouch with some kids doing the "No No Dance" where they shake their heads and literally halfway through the short video she began to shake her head no and has been doing ever since. I told Alfred, uhm I knew Sesame Street was educational but I had no idea it was that immediate. Yeah, as I said, my kid's brain is developing faster than her body, which is just fine with me!

I began Weight Watchers about a month ago. Two weeks ago I started the Couch to 5K program. I know, I've done running in the past, but my body is just so beat up, I decided it was time to start from the beginning. I get up earlier every other day before work and do the program. I have lost 5 lbs in the month since beginning Weight Watchers; finally the pregnancy weight is going down.

I also began physical therapy for my back again. It's only been about 8 years, but I finally decided to do something about the scar tissue and pain. The PT said there was no easy fix for someone in my condition, bah. I need to do a combination of strengthening the really deep inner muscles, then out as well as painful deep tissue massage to try and break up the scar tissue. This mind you, hurts. Using arnica gel, and his stregnth, Alfred has volunteered to provide the deep tissue torture. After this is done, its followed by ice to calm down the inflammation. Over years and years worth of scar tissue, I feel like I'm in that scene of 40 Year Old Virgin when he gets the wax treatment to violently rip the hair from his chest and he's cussing out thet technican, yeah I feel like doing that to Alfred when he's working my back.

Really, despite small inconveniences, and amidst this whole economic crisis, we are truly lucky. We both have jobs. We can feed Lillian and ourselves. We have a home. We can afford to purchase the things we need and pay our bills. In today's modern financial depression, that's an accomplishment. We have a wonderful family, a strong, steady, and growing love, a beautiful little girl, and our crazy dog; much to be thankful for to say the least.