Slowly...

It's been a roller coaster, but I'm slowly gaining some control. I stopped going to my therapy class. It was just stressing me out to get to work on time so I can leave and spend that time after work in a class when I rather be hiking or spending time with my daughter. They gave me the tools I needed in the beginning to help me work on fixing myself, I'm not stupid, I figured it out. So, when I felt a spiral begin to happen, I was able to work myself out of it instead of shutting down. Am I better? Hell no. But am I better than I was? Yes. I'm learning how to just remove myself from the situation and breath working through what I can feel could tumble out of control if I let it and keep it from getting below a certain level. I am still sensitive. I find myself thinking that Alfred's annoyed at me or criticizing me, but the rational part of me thinks that may be silly and there's no reason to feel hurt. Same thing when I feel my temper boiling up, I step back, and know that there's no reason for the irrational anger so I remove myself and remain quiet until the rage passes....or I take it out on the damn ants invading our house. It's helped. My job is still a trigger so it's difficult to combat working and the PPD, which may be why I won't be better anytime soon, but at least I can tell when I'm starting to decline and am able to stop it for the most part. Yeah, I still cry, but I only cry for a couple minutes and not all the time. Slowly, one step at a time, slowly, I heal. Going hiking has been great. I'm finally able to do it every other day now and am actually starting to see muscle tone working its way through the fat! My c-section belly will never be toned...I'll probably need a tummy tuck for that, but at least everything else is slowly edging its way back to shape, and that is a huge, huge help. Plus, I love getting out in the backcountry, away from the city for awhile. I hate living in the suburbs. I miss the open country desperately.

Lilly's doing fantastically. She's gone from a baby that has to always be in motion, not letting us sit because she wants us walking around with her to actually chilling with mommy and daddy, sitting on the couch. She talks up a storm, making new sounds all the time. She's very very close to saying, "mama"...of course when she's crying and upset she sounds like she's saying, "No!" or "Maaaa!" She also "sings" in the car along with me or with the music playing, its really cute. She has tried to crawl and has managed to fling herself a couple inches. She lifted herself onto her knees yesterday briefly and has also tried to sit up from laying down. Ahhh!! Growing up so fast. We've also had to start solids. She's grabbing at my drinking glass and putting it to her mouth to "drink" So I've been letting her play with her sipping cup filled with water as she can have small amounts of water now to satisfy that need of wanting a cup to "drink" (she can only manage to get out like a drop from the cup at this point so I'm not worried). So far we know she enjoys sweet potatoes mixed with a bit of cinnamon and carrots. We're still experimenting with pre-made organic baby food so we can find out what she likes and then once we have a list, I'll be making homemade baby food for her.

And yeah, that's about it...

Moose-Girl!

We have such a moose child! Now I can understand people saying she's a big girl, because damn, she's a big girl! She weighed in at 17 lbs, 9 oz and measured 26.5 inches long! Holy crap. The doctor assured us that her height and weight are proportional and not to worry about her being fat because she's not, she just a big girl! I'm thinking, yeah, how can she be fat when all she gets is formula! And she only has 4-5 feedings a day 4-6oz, which is the normal minimal amount. The doctor looked the Lilly, then Alfred and laughed, saying she's really pulling from daddy's genes in this. Yeesh child! Moose-girl!

Alfred gave Lilly his cold, then she gave it to me, ugh I say, ugh! I had to miss my group therapy class last night because I felt like crap! And I have to work today because there's only 2 of us admins in upstairs. I want to sleeeeeep. Bleh *flails*

And baby says, dance magic dance!

Here are some updated photos of our little LilyPad!

http://picasaweb.google.com/aroebuck/May2008BabyLillian?authkey=EbV9IbpqoD4

She has her 4 month appointment this afternoon so we'll find out how much of a moose she's become and how long she is now. She also caught Alfred's cold so she was very stuffed up and bellowed every time we suctioned the snot out of her nose, poor thing. Otherwise, she was in a good mood but of course, today she gets like 6 vaccinations (1 oral, 2 shots in one leg and a really huge, evil needle in the other...I think that's the HepB one, which really, I think is evil to give to infants. They didn't require us to get them until we were 13. Unfortunately its required for school now so alas, she must get it). So yay, nothing like injecting the body with dead viruses when its got its first cold....tonight's gonna be fun. We're also going to ask the pedi when we can try and see if she can tolerate something other than the Nutramigen formula. I think not until 6 months, but, knowing that will help, its so damn expensive. We tried feeding bananas yesterday, lol same drama queen yuck face as the apples, but she started to arch her back away from the spoon so those are off the list for now :P

Enjoy the photos...oh if you know anyone in need of a cheap wedding dress, I'm trying to sell mine, for about $300, includes the petty coat and veil, so its a bargain considering what I paid for all of that plus the alterations to be able to make it into a French bustle...if the offer is serious enough, I'm willing to go down a bit lower. So yeah, just in case, pass the word, I have photos for those who don't remember it, its a rockin' dress....too bad the marriage wasn't (my therapist suspects the ex was possibly into drugs with his rapid mood swings and not paying the bills).

Life continues...

I'm at work early today as I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I'm currently on Heather's computer because IT took mine away on Friday and hasn't given it back. You'd think they'd come with a temporary, but hah, that would be too logical for our IT department. :P

After being here for almost 2 years, an Asset Forfeiture Specialist position finally became available. Its with DEA and non-contract. So, yes, I applied for it. Even if I don't get chosen for an interview, I am still proud of myself for getting through the process. Government jobs makes you write these KSAs (knowledge, skills and abilities), which are like 1/2-1 full page essay answers to questions they pose on the application. It's really a wonder how we get idiots in TSA and other various departments when they have to do these KSAs as well, but maybe they have idiots on the scoring panel, who knows? Anyhow, there were 10 of these KSAs *twitch* Actually 5 per Grade level. 5 for GS-09 and the same 5 for GS-11. Even though you only wanted to be considered for one level (I know I'm not GS-11 material, I know my limits :P), they made you answer the questions for both levels (which I say, is stupid). Then, after all that, and entering in work history, and education history, they wanted me to provide my transcripts. Wtf? I'm going off my work experience, 3 years of asset forfeiture work, not my education. All my education shows is that I'm an average 2.9 GPA ('cause I'm a slacker and procrastinator), I have an associates degree and a bachelor's degree, and I can read and write relatively well when I put my mind to it (re: I'm a slacker...). So anyway, luckily I already had attachments of unofficial copies available to provide them with. After I was done, I thought, screw it, I have PPD so I'm going to think negatively about it anyway so I beat you to slapping it down, so there, hah! We'll see what comes of it, probably nothing, but at least I managed to do it even through the PPD attacks. If something did come of it, I'd feel bad for work here, but at the same time two event occurred that kind of helped push me to decide to go ahead and apply for it.

I am usually the main backup support to one of our admins here when she's not available or out of the office. I help her managers out, take her phone calls, etc. So you'd think I'd be the logical person to go to when it came to handling the calender for certain board meetings and such, right? Since the calendar is right there in our area. No, her managers suggested Heather do it. I felt like I was slapped in the face, passed over, thought not capable of being able to do the job. I have less on my plate than Heather does right now, poor girl, she's over taxed as it is. I on the other hand, am bored off my ass. I haven't had much going on since I came back from maternity, which isn't helping my PPD because I feel useless and worthless. I know, they probably just weren't thinking, but still. So there was that. And then in June we have our black tie fundraising event, RITZ. I was passed over again. I was never asked to work it this year, never given the opportunity. Wtf? We all usually work it. I know its because they're probably thinking they're being nice, as I've got a 4 month old infant at home and can't work that late (from 8pm to 2am) or anything, but still, give me the chance to turn it down! At least offer it to me! And just because I have a kid, don't assume I can't! Yep, feeling real good here about all of it *dripping with sarcasm*

Lets see, we're trying to give Lily the taste of "solids" now. She hates rice cereal and is very unsure about applesauce. We cracked up at her expression on her face when trying applesauce. "Omg, omg, what the hell is this? Ew Ew ew ew!" she didn't lean away from the spoon like she did with the rice cereal, but she wasn't exactly looking pleased. I'm going to puree up a banana and see if she likes that next, silly girl. Then we're on to veggies, carrots, sweet potato...she's such a chatterbox lately, its amusing. She babbles through her bottle and pacifier even. She's blowing raspberries now, she's laughing at things that amuse her...its so amazing to watch all the sudden development and have her transform from just a baby to something more.

Okay, I'd better go find another computer to work on now as Heather will be in soonish...

Had my first appointment with the therapist today. We'll see how the rest goes. She wants me to do a group therapy session twice a week, its some cognitive based whatever type of therapy in addition to seeing her. We talked about many things, but she seems to feel it won't take me to long to recover from this mess. I don't feel like going into details at the moment.

I spent from 9 pm until 7 am Friday night-Sat morning in the ER. Alfred made me go. I suddenly developed severe stabbing stomach pains and vomiting. I even vomited 3 times while in the ER even with two doses of Zofran in my system. Granted, I think one had to do with too much liquid in the belly. They made me drink 3.75 bottles of a vanilla shake barium drink within 45 minutes so they do a CT Scan...needless to say, I threw up about half a bottle :P They had no clue what was wrong which didn't make me feel better. I didn't want to go because with the therapist appointment on my file for depression, I didn't want them thinking I was drug-seeking. It was not until I was in therapy this morning that I found out the person who took my call for a therapist appointment put down that I feel I may be harmful towards my baby.....uhm, no. When I asked, I said no and the lady responded, "Good, thats good" but she put down "Yes" anyway....so here I'm thinking...oh great, that probably looked stellar on my file for the ER visit! It's taken off now, but still. Oy.

And my train of through has derailed so I'll just stop now...