Crazed Mind

Lily finally smiled at me last night and then this morning when she woke up. That warmed my heart.

We found the number to Kaiser's Behavior Health Line. Alfred called and spoke to a psychiatrist over the phone. They provided him with the number to call, and also stated that if I wanted to talk over the phone, I call the BH Line and can talk to them, as they're all psychiatrists and most have experience with PPD. But, and here's the big but. In my mind, the logic is broken. I may know that I need help, and I may want the help and I know that I should probably get it because given time I may be at the risk of losing everything, but I won't do it. It's not that I don't know any better, its just that I won't. I can't explain it. People who have been mentally ill before, depressive wise, probably could understand exactly what I mean. I know Heidi does. So, I won't make the phone call for an appointment, and if I did, I wouldn't go to the appointment. This is probably why they emphasis to partners of PPD suffers that they may have to be the ones to take over, to make the appointments, to drag the person to the appointments. Something goes on in our minds that puts a stopper on what we know is probably right. So, he's supposed to make the phone call today. He made me provide him with my medical record number before I left the house for work. We'll see what comes of it, he's making the call as I type this.

My mother sent me a horrible email. I know she's trying to help. I know its because she loves me. But basically she told me to stop being stubborn and selfish and get the help before its too late, before Alfred leaves and leaves with Lily, etc., etc., mmm yeah, not the type of email you want to get in a emotionally fragile state while at work. I can't break down here, I can't cry. I have to suppress everything and get through the day. You have any idea how difficult that is? You realize how little there is out there regarding being a working mom with PPD? Yeah, there's an article or two from people who are freelance writers for a living but it doesn't touch on what its like being in an office from day to day, in a corporation, like so many of us are, working full time while suffering from PPD. Working is a trigger that contributes to PPD. Where is the information? I guess perhaps, as I go through this, maybe I'll be that person, to say this is what its like when you must go into the office when you rather stay home and cry.