Going on Day 4

Unfortunately I've had to add some carbs into my meals because trying to get myself ready, dinner for us made, lunch made, as well as making sure the baby has meals for her breakfast and lunch, excludes being able to make a proper South Beach Phase 1 Breakfast. I could ideally prepare these things the night before, however, after cleaning up, reading homework, and to be adding in cleaning/packing and dance practice, the last thing I want to do is stay up later to prepare shit. So, Kashi GoLean Oatmeal it is in the mornings 2 out of 4 days. Ah well I guess. You'd think however, with the sudden huge drop in carb meals there'd be something already...but nope, that scale hasn't budged. Its also really difficult to incorporate the WW and SB together. Its harder to stay within the points range. Whatever. Maybe I'm just doomed to be 1 lb "overweight" and never able to get back down to my pre-pregnancy size ever again, which would ultimately mean I remain virtually invisible and undesirable for the rest of my life. Sad.

Time Mocks Me

Time. I wish there were an abundance of it. Instead he, the god Cronos, instead sneers at me from a distance, just staying out of reach. I suppose if I didn't desire to sleep to help keep the depression at bay, I could effectively have more time, but whatever. My first class this quarter is grueling. It has the usual heavy reading load, but a writing load excessive even by English Lit. graduate status: approximately 10 pages of writing per week. So needless to say, it eats a lot of time. Then of course, work and baby. And now we have to somehow scramble packing and cleaning of the house in preparation for moving. Hah. Time laughs.

I began a modified South Beach Diet plan ontop of Weight Watchers. I began just yesterday and will probably need to use this blog to keep my sanity for the first two weeks without bread or white sugary foods. I still do fruits, and diary, especially diary of the chocolate kind. I did this before my wedding the same way and it was effective. I'd like to say my exercise has started up again but it has not; again that whole time thing. I need to set aside at least a half hour to practice dance. I will need to do that anyway beginning in February. I will be dancing twice a week because we'll be practicing for the St. Patrick's Day performances which means I'll need to also practice outside class time. I did almost do the treble jig to fast real time in class last week. I was very proud. I'm finding hard shoe enjoyable and it gives one a killer (re: ouch, my legs hurt) inner thigh workout. I also discovered the birthcontrol pill they placed me on, Yasmin, was probably causing more trouble than I needed. I had had other issues with it for a while but apparently its very well known to kill your libido as well as make one overweight; two of my main problems. So I requested getting back on Ovcon 35 which I great with, but Kaiser doesn't carry it so they put me on something else similar to Ovcon. I start that on Sunday. Lets hope it restores my body back to normal.

Lilly is so close to walking its amazing. She can hold on with one hand and walk around forever. I got her to walk at my side just holding my hand for a little bit. She tries to let go and stumbles still. Half the time I don't think she realizes she's standing all by herself without holding on to anything. At this rate it appears she will be running back Faire season :)

I am going to bite the bullet and get new garb for this run. Even if I lose another chunk of weight, my boobs haven't shrank and won't fit in my bodice anyway and I somehow doubt this jello c-section tummy will ever go away even if I'm back down to pre-preggo size so I am eyeing a a bodice, skirt and a second chemise and am in need of new shoes as well. Ouch and ugh, I wish I could sew; oh wait, there's the whole time issue...again.

Damn you, Cronos.

Musings of a Drugged Mind

I've taken approximately 3 Midrin. While the 1st two usually don't have much affect, the subsequent doses tend to make the sedative in the Midrin effective. I should be going to bed instead of writing this. I probably shouldn't even divulge these subsequent thoughts, yet I won't censor myself completely.

2008 was both wonderful and terrible. It brought me more love than I ever thought possible in the form of a squalling, laughing, squealing, and pooping tiny little human being, my daughter, Lillian. She stands at 11 months now; hard to believe how much she's altered in the past year. She giggles, she flirts, she's learning so much every day and never fails to make me smile. My heart bursts at the thought of her. I have been blessed and I am thankful to have such a wonderful, intelligent, loving, and healthy child. I cannot wait to see what the next year of development brings.

Alfred and I continued to grow closer even though I have tried to shove him away several times, believing it was for the best. I've been difficult to deal with, unfortunately riddled with postpartum depression. It lingers still, but not quite to the extent of it all.

I never really faced the changes in my life the year before, I kept going, kept trying to take one step forward to make a life for the child I carried in my womb. But, I lost a husband. I almost lost my best friend. I almost lost Alfred. My early pregnancy was wrought with stress, tears, and heartache. I wasn't sure if Alfred was going to stay, was ever going to forgive me. I lived in an environment that stressed me out everyday, I felt so alone because I barely saw him and I had no friends remaining in San Diego, all of them in Pittsburgh. I still feeling so alone many times due to this fact. I dream and miss Pittsburgh quite often. I miss the open country. I miss the character of the old houses. I miss the weather. I miss my friends. But now as of December, Alfred and I have lived together for a year and our love remains steady and strong. I still can't trust that he won't leave me eventually, though. I am insecure and I worry despite his promises.

We officially entered into escrow on a house today. It's a decent place but has no character; just white and tan. I know we can make it so it has life again with plans of xeriscaping the desolate yard and adding color to the white walls. Still, the homes here cost more than other cities, and lacks in the same character and beauty (and land, though we will have a fairly decent sized yard), so at the same time I am sad, but excited, and scared of this important step forward.

As for my relationship concerns. I am afraid that I will rue the day he and his ex before/in between me actually see each other in person once again. I know he still loves her. I can't fault him for that, but the thought hurts and it makes me nervous. She had a great personality, very funny, exceptionally creative, is beautiful and I believe, made him happy. He loved her, and loves her still, I've no doubt. So I worry over it. I prepare for it.

I desire more than just being a girlfriend at this juncture though I won't bring it up anytime soon, I am not that kind of person to nag about such things. I yearn for my child to be legitimize to know that I'm not giving the milk for free, so to speak. Yes, I want marriage again, eventually. But I want to do it right this time. I want the proper proposal, the ring, albeit simple, but a ring nonetheless. I want an extended, long engagement, with plenty of planning. I don't care for a fancy ceremony, just the two of us would suffice. I want a dress that Lillian can one day declare, "this was my mother's dress. She looked beautiful and was so happy" and maybe use one day for her own wedding, or simply cherish as a keepsake. I just want to be a family in every sense possible. And I want to live that life together as a whole. I want to do it right. I want to love, to be loved in every way.

My goals for this year, finally get out of the last etches of my financial debts except for school loans. To acquire a new car before mine officially bites the dust. To lose the last of this baby weight. To make it through the school year with some sanity intact and prepare for my Master thesis. To dance in a feis. To save money in preparation of sending Lilly to a performing arts pre-school when she's 3. To maybe take up fencing again. To master the timing of the treble reel. To love Alfred and Lilly with all the I am. To be happy. To smile and laugh often.