My 90 Days in Hell

My wedding is in 10 months. October 7, 2011. After four and a half years, one daughter, two dogs and a house later, we will be married. Wow. Honestly there is hardly a whole lot for us to do as we are eloping, sort of, but the point is, we just need to make air and hotel reservations, purchase our rings and oh yeah, The Dress. The Dreaded Dress. I was not planning on going fancy since it is a destination wedding but I found a dress I am in love with and why the hell not be a princess? Regardless, this means I have a little over 90 days before I do the traditional horror of wedding dress shopping (its good to keep my toptions open and all that bullshit). So that of course means getting myself into the best shape I can before then. Torture here I come.

Now, I smartly obtained a spiral fracture on the fifth metarsal on my right foot about 6 and a half weeks ago during Irish dance class. I know, I know, I am highly talented. Because it was close to splintering which would require metal pieces and several screws to put back together, I was ordered to be non weight bearing on crutches for SIX bloody ass weeks. Balls.  Of course this meant my 15 miles a week jogging and Irish dancing were abruptly halted. Again, balls. Floor pilates and then thyoga just are not the same. Two days before Xmas I got the nod to start walking in my oh so sexy cam walker boot sans crutches (huzzah). You bet your ass I unevely shuffled into the gym that night to embark on the recumbent bike, which, really, most boring thing, ever. Ever. But whatever, its some sort of cardio or something. Whatever.

We also discovered P90X, did research, tried out a few of the workouts and told them to fuck off, then did them somemore. Yes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, blah blah blah. Anyway, the plan is, recumbent bike daily to almost daily, for the next three weeks while in this stupid, I mean, hot, sexy boot and P90X as much as I can do sans impact on my asshat of a foot. Then add on to it when healed, back to running and dancing eventually. I have a feeling it will make me cry but I'm desparate. Wedding dress, people, wedding dress!

Feh

Okay, so I am a bit of a slacker, whatever. Here's a short update:

Moved into new house on Valentine's Day, yay.
Got a new puppy (Australian Shepherd/Great Pyrenees mix) from Helen Woodward Animal Center the week after. Cynara is happy.
My car transmission died a month ago, well it still runs but its about to die; would have cost nearly $4,000 to fix. Cried, invested in a rental car for the past 3 weeks while working to improve credit. I am waiting for paperwork to be all filed, but apparently it takes the Pennyslvania 20 million years to do a simple process.
Didn't want to shell out $300 a week anymore for a car. Cried, stressed, got depressed.
Alfred, the best guy ever, agreed to co-sign on a loan if the dealership would approve us. They did. At a really high APR, but that's where future refinancing comes in once credit gets a bump, which the being on the loan will help so I can now have an open line of credit rather than no open line which actually hurts you.
Now own a 2009 Versa Sedan S class, or rather, the bank owns it, but whatever. Yay.
Now I'm broke until next payday which is 2 weeks away; have enough for gas and food and baby products at least.
1st mortgage payment and 1st car payment due next month rather than this month, huzzah.
Just need new garb for Faire and an all-terrain wagon for Lilly to cart her around Faire, and clothes as I continue to lose weight, 'cause I discovered in the move I really don't have more than 4 outfits for work and only 1 or 2 for casual warm weather.
Have a solo for the St. Patrick's Day show.
Its the dreaded slip jig. And because the slip jig isn't slow and long enough, she added more steps to the end of it. Did I mention its a solo? Like all by myself? Uhm, yay? Eeeek! First performance is March 14...that's 12 days! AH!

Fin.

Going on Day 4

Unfortunately I've had to add some carbs into my meals because trying to get myself ready, dinner for us made, lunch made, as well as making sure the baby has meals for her breakfast and lunch, excludes being able to make a proper South Beach Phase 1 Breakfast. I could ideally prepare these things the night before, however, after cleaning up, reading homework, and to be adding in cleaning/packing and dance practice, the last thing I want to do is stay up later to prepare shit. So, Kashi GoLean Oatmeal it is in the mornings 2 out of 4 days. Ah well I guess. You'd think however, with the sudden huge drop in carb meals there'd be something already...but nope, that scale hasn't budged. Its also really difficult to incorporate the WW and SB together. Its harder to stay within the points range. Whatever. Maybe I'm just doomed to be 1 lb "overweight" and never able to get back down to my pre-pregnancy size ever again, which would ultimately mean I remain virtually invisible and undesirable for the rest of my life. Sad.

Time Mocks Me

Time. I wish there were an abundance of it. Instead he, the god Cronos, instead sneers at me from a distance, just staying out of reach. I suppose if I didn't desire to sleep to help keep the depression at bay, I could effectively have more time, but whatever. My first class this quarter is grueling. It has the usual heavy reading load, but a writing load excessive even by English Lit. graduate status: approximately 10 pages of writing per week. So needless to say, it eats a lot of time. Then of course, work and baby. And now we have to somehow scramble packing and cleaning of the house in preparation for moving. Hah. Time laughs.

I began a modified South Beach Diet plan ontop of Weight Watchers. I began just yesterday and will probably need to use this blog to keep my sanity for the first two weeks without bread or white sugary foods. I still do fruits, and diary, especially diary of the chocolate kind. I did this before my wedding the same way and it was effective. I'd like to say my exercise has started up again but it has not; again that whole time thing. I need to set aside at least a half hour to practice dance. I will need to do that anyway beginning in February. I will be dancing twice a week because we'll be practicing for the St. Patrick's Day performances which means I'll need to also practice outside class time. I did almost do the treble jig to fast real time in class last week. I was very proud. I'm finding hard shoe enjoyable and it gives one a killer (re: ouch, my legs hurt) inner thigh workout. I also discovered the birthcontrol pill they placed me on, Yasmin, was probably causing more trouble than I needed. I had had other issues with it for a while but apparently its very well known to kill your libido as well as make one overweight; two of my main problems. So I requested getting back on Ovcon 35 which I great with, but Kaiser doesn't carry it so they put me on something else similar to Ovcon. I start that on Sunday. Lets hope it restores my body back to normal.

Lilly is so close to walking its amazing. She can hold on with one hand and walk around forever. I got her to walk at my side just holding my hand for a little bit. She tries to let go and stumbles still. Half the time I don't think she realizes she's standing all by herself without holding on to anything. At this rate it appears she will be running back Faire season :)

I am going to bite the bullet and get new garb for this run. Even if I lose another chunk of weight, my boobs haven't shrank and won't fit in my bodice anyway and I somehow doubt this jello c-section tummy will ever go away even if I'm back down to pre-preggo size so I am eyeing a a bodice, skirt and a second chemise and am in need of new shoes as well. Ouch and ugh, I wish I could sew; oh wait, there's the whole time issue...again.

Damn you, Cronos.

Musings of a Drugged Mind

I've taken approximately 3 Midrin. While the 1st two usually don't have much affect, the subsequent doses tend to make the sedative in the Midrin effective. I should be going to bed instead of writing this. I probably shouldn't even divulge these subsequent thoughts, yet I won't censor myself completely.

2008 was both wonderful and terrible. It brought me more love than I ever thought possible in the form of a squalling, laughing, squealing, and pooping tiny little human being, my daughter, Lillian. She stands at 11 months now; hard to believe how much she's altered in the past year. She giggles, she flirts, she's learning so much every day and never fails to make me smile. My heart bursts at the thought of her. I have been blessed and I am thankful to have such a wonderful, intelligent, loving, and healthy child. I cannot wait to see what the next year of development brings.

Alfred and I continued to grow closer even though I have tried to shove him away several times, believing it was for the best. I've been difficult to deal with, unfortunately riddled with postpartum depression. It lingers still, but not quite to the extent of it all.

I never really faced the changes in my life the year before, I kept going, kept trying to take one step forward to make a life for the child I carried in my womb. But, I lost a husband. I almost lost my best friend. I almost lost Alfred. My early pregnancy was wrought with stress, tears, and heartache. I wasn't sure if Alfred was going to stay, was ever going to forgive me. I lived in an environment that stressed me out everyday, I felt so alone because I barely saw him and I had no friends remaining in San Diego, all of them in Pittsburgh. I still feeling so alone many times due to this fact. I dream and miss Pittsburgh quite often. I miss the open country. I miss the character of the old houses. I miss the weather. I miss my friends. But now as of December, Alfred and I have lived together for a year and our love remains steady and strong. I still can't trust that he won't leave me eventually, though. I am insecure and I worry despite his promises.

We officially entered into escrow on a house today. It's a decent place but has no character; just white and tan. I know we can make it so it has life again with plans of xeriscaping the desolate yard and adding color to the white walls. Still, the homes here cost more than other cities, and lacks in the same character and beauty (and land, though we will have a fairly decent sized yard), so at the same time I am sad, but excited, and scared of this important step forward.

As for my relationship concerns. I am afraid that I will rue the day he and his ex before/in between me actually see each other in person once again. I know he still loves her. I can't fault him for that, but the thought hurts and it makes me nervous. She had a great personality, very funny, exceptionally creative, is beautiful and I believe, made him happy. He loved her, and loves her still, I've no doubt. So I worry over it. I prepare for it.

I desire more than just being a girlfriend at this juncture though I won't bring it up anytime soon, I am not that kind of person to nag about such things. I yearn for my child to be legitimize to know that I'm not giving the milk for free, so to speak. Yes, I want marriage again, eventually. But I want to do it right this time. I want the proper proposal, the ring, albeit simple, but a ring nonetheless. I want an extended, long engagement, with plenty of planning. I don't care for a fancy ceremony, just the two of us would suffice. I want a dress that Lillian can one day declare, "this was my mother's dress. She looked beautiful and was so happy" and maybe use one day for her own wedding, or simply cherish as a keepsake. I just want to be a family in every sense possible. And I want to live that life together as a whole. I want to do it right. I want to love, to be loved in every way.

My goals for this year, finally get out of the last etches of my financial debts except for school loans. To acquire a new car before mine officially bites the dust. To lose the last of this baby weight. To make it through the school year with some sanity intact and prepare for my Master thesis. To dance in a feis. To save money in preparation of sending Lilly to a performing arts pre-school when she's 3. To maybe take up fencing again. To master the timing of the treble reel. To love Alfred and Lilly with all the I am. To be happy. To smile and laugh often.

The Run Down....

Christmas hasn't totally happened yet for us. What did happen was a case of the worst stomach bug ever. I say this with no exaggeration. I've had the stomach flu before but this, this was absolutely number 1 of bad bugs....so far. Last Monday, Lilly came down with it, which I feel so bad that she got this horrible thing as her first real sickness at 10.5 month old. It was so hard having her writhe in pain and scream as her little body was racked with the heaves of vomiting. Ugh, poor little girl. On Christmas Eve, I came down ill, very ill. I could not stop vomiting. I could not hold any liquid down, period. I quickly became dehydrated to the point I could barely stand anymore and my lips started turning blue. I was rushed to the ER and after 4 rounds of anti-nausea meds and a bag of fluids, my blood work was incredibly abnormal and I still was sick so they admitted me at 1 am Christmas Day into the hospital. After a 5th dose of meds, more fluids, and a private, quiet hospital room, I slept and mended, being released at 1 pm Christmas Day to go home and sleep. Almost a week later, we're still all recovering. Alfred got sick while we were in the ER and had to go home. He, luckily, was only sick for 24 hours because on the 26th, his mom and sister came down ill. His mom had been helping us watch Lilly while were we sick. Soooo yeah, Merry Christmas! We celebrated a bit with my folks on Sunday, and will hopefully have Christmas with Alfred's family, albeit late, but happy :). Maybe I can actually eat the Christmas feast. My parent's gave us the rest of their huge ham, but I've yet to be able to enjoy it. I just graduated to dry cereal.

Otherwise, life is good. The Winter Quarter starts in a week for school. Irish Dance continues to be enjoyable.

I shall muse about 2008 next...

Nothing is like it seems, turn my grief to grace

Unfortunately life has just been exhausting. I began my Master's program at the end of September. One week of class equals two weeks of work on campus, so you can imagine, I have a ton of reading and writing to do within a week's time on top of my job and my family life. I will admit, it has not been easy. While I have happier moments, with states of calmness and tranquility, my breakdowns come without warning now. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed, then anger takes its strangling hold, or else, bitter tears stain my cheeks. Hell, I actually began crying in public yesterday over stupid Build-A-Bear. I don't cry in public! So, in some ways, the PPD has begun to improve, but with exhaustion and stresses, it never ceases to remind me, the demon lives on inside. I remain medication free though and am bound to get through it medication free.

I love, love love, my Irish Step Dance class as well. It's going wonderfully and frustratingly. Surprisingly we get to begin hard shoe either this week or next. She told us in August, when we began that it would be at least a year before we got to hard shoe, but apparently we must be doing a good enough job to do it sooner! I know the beginner's reel, light jig, slip jig (most difficult but I love it...or have a love/hate relationship with it), and single jig. I believe the first hard shoe dance is a treble reel or treble jig. Regardless, its going to be difficult. I'm not ready to compete yet, personally, I'm too much of a perfectionist to attempt it so soon; a lot of technical aspects to work out first.

Alfred and I have been working on purchasing a home. The market sucks. Yes, even for a buyer's market, it still sucks. A foreclosure means you have a 50/50 chance of finding a home in need of only cosmetic repairs, or an oh my god, did this place used to house drug dealers or animals? In some instances, both wound up being the case (Alfred and our agent, Eric, located a crack pipe in one of the houses). People get angry. In turn, these people take their aggression out on the house before being evicted, can't blame them really, but ugh, the banks rarely desire to fix up the property. Although, I have noticed that there is an increase in banks paying for repairs, new carpet and paint in cases of homes being totally wrecked because they know no one will purchase it otherwise. We have lost out on a few homes because we were too late in getting our offer in (you literally have to go that same day the home is posted and hope for the best), or the bank decides to accept multiple offers, then requests the "best" offers to be submitted, which means, we lose because investors with cash available tend to have better offers. We have an offer standing on a house right now, that we got in literally just a few hours after the house had come on the market, but unfortunately it was the night before Thanksgiving so over this entire weekend, people could be looking and submitting offers. If its a bank that is evil and likes to have multiple and best offers, rather taking first come first serve, then we're doomed. I am trying not to get my hopes up, disappointment seems to be the name of the game, alas.

Lillian continues to grow and amaze. Her physical milestones appear to occur at average levels, but her cognitive skills however, seem to be advance. She has a growing awareness and vocabulary. She can say, "woof woof" and "dag" for dog, and loves to bark at them. It's cute to watch her tug on Alfred's pant legs, lifting her arms up, saying, "Dada, bup!"...yes, that's a sentence in a 10 month old. "Num nums" are food and only food. She's known mama and who it applies to for several months now. She learned how to shake her head no from one single video on Sesame Street the other day too. She loves, absolutely loves music (to the point that she can bob her head and kick her leg in time with the music) so I went onto Sesame Street's website where they have videos of their songs. Well, one of the songs is Oscar the Grouch with some kids doing the "No No Dance" where they shake their heads and literally halfway through the short video she began to shake her head no and has been doing ever since. I told Alfred, uhm I knew Sesame Street was educational but I had no idea it was that immediate. Yeah, as I said, my kid's brain is developing faster than her body, which is just fine with me!

I began Weight Watchers about a month ago. Two weeks ago I started the Couch to 5K program. I know, I've done running in the past, but my body is just so beat up, I decided it was time to start from the beginning. I get up earlier every other day before work and do the program. I have lost 5 lbs in the month since beginning Weight Watchers; finally the pregnancy weight is going down.

I also began physical therapy for my back again. It's only been about 8 years, but I finally decided to do something about the scar tissue and pain. The PT said there was no easy fix for someone in my condition, bah. I need to do a combination of strengthening the really deep inner muscles, then out as well as painful deep tissue massage to try and break up the scar tissue. This mind you, hurts. Using arnica gel, and his stregnth, Alfred has volunteered to provide the deep tissue torture. After this is done, its followed by ice to calm down the inflammation. Over years and years worth of scar tissue, I feel like I'm in that scene of 40 Year Old Virgin when he gets the wax treatment to violently rip the hair from his chest and he's cussing out thet technican, yeah I feel like doing that to Alfred when he's working my back.

Really, despite small inconveniences, and amidst this whole economic crisis, we are truly lucky. We both have jobs. We can feed Lillian and ourselves. We have a home. We can afford to purchase the things we need and pay our bills. In today's modern financial depression, that's an accomplishment. We have a wonderful family, a strong, steady, and growing love, a beautiful little girl, and our crazy dog; much to be thankful for to say the least.

Tick, tock, tick, tock

So, everyone is all excited about Alfred and Lilly...and then I'm somewhere thrown to the side. What I mean is, his friends who find out about the baby, get all excited over her and him. I'm offered congrats and a "she's beautiful"...sometimes, but really, I always get thrown to the side, unless I'm enduring comments such as, "Oh, is this the mother?" No, no, I'm not, I'm just the hot nanny he's screwing. Seriously. Women. Suck. Why are we our own worst critics? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this at all. When Alfred and I first began dating, people were livid, they hated me for the simple fact that he picked me and not them. Rumors were spread, looks were given, nasty comments made. So, now, he not only picked me again, but I am the mother of his child, reasons to hate me more. Whatever. Fine. I'll be the pariah, but one day, I won't sit by quietly. Tick, tock, tick, tock....

It's been a while since I posted, I know. I haven't much felt like it really, even though work is as boring as usual. Sigh. Life update: I'm still depressed. I still hate living in San Diego and desire to be elsewhere. We're looking to buy a house. I start school on the 24th. Lilly started crawling, waving and wanting to feed herself this past weekend. She can pull herself to standing when given the chance as well. She loves to dance. I started an Irish Step Dance class a month ago and LOVE it...gives me something else to love in my life besides Alfred and Lilly, gods know I needed it. And yep, that's it in a nutshell. Fin.

“He who has a mind to do mischief will always find a pretense”

It's been a little while since I wrote...

I've been working my butt off on working out and cutting calories the past 2 and a half weeks, really stepping it up. The scale mocks me, but the measuring tape is being generous; I've lost a half inch from the thighs, waist and an inch from my hips. It's going to be a very slow progress as I may have what they call postpartum thyroid-whatever, which showed signs of a hyperthyroid at the beginning of the postpartum period (which mine did) and then around this time postpartum, it slows down into hypothyroidism. Good news, in most people it goes away at about 12-18 months PP *sigh* But in the meantime, I'm redeveloping healthier eating habits; I get full sooner so I can't really pig out and I can go longer between eating.

My ex-husband appears to may be getting remarried. He emailed me stating he needed a copy of the divorce decree and how to go about getting one from the courthouse here. Seriously, the only reason a guy would need a copy of a divorce decree is to prove that he's really no longer married to obtain a marriage certificate. As much as I hate him, this sort of pisses me off. After all the crap he put me through, the financial damage, the spiteful actions, the stress, and a year later he's looking to get remarried? I know I had a child, I should talk, but the baby wasn't planned, it was accidental, I didn't go out and propose to Alfred and he hasn't proposed to me. But I think as Maggie pointed out, I got the better end of the deal as I got Lilly and who knows what his new wife to be is like.

Lilly is doing great. She's crawling in circles now, and she's good at it, so maybe she'll start moving forward soon, then we'll be in trouble! We're trying to see if we can wean her to a regular formula now. We did 2 oz of the Carnation Good Start with cultures and 4 oz Nutramigen mix for the first week, now this week we're up to a half and half mix. So far so good! She actually doesn't spit up as much either and lets out burps that makes her momma proud ;). Next week we'll move to a 4 oz Carnation, 2 oz Nutramigen mix and then hopefully, fingers crossed straight onto nothing but regular formula. If that happens, with the solid food increase, she'll be taking in less formula and with a cheaper formula that means saved money!

We had our annual trip to Disneyland on July 17, Disneyland's birthday. Our theme this year was paparazzi. We had a token "star" which was Scott dressed in regular clothes with a baseball cap, a bluetooth and sunglasses. There were a couple "bodyguards" dressed in black and the rest as press with their cameras or press badges. We made a couple press badges and dressed normally. However, first ride in, Pirates, the management asked us to remove our badges because people were asking us about who that was with us, thinking that Scott was really a star and we were his entourage. So because we created "too much commotion" and made people "think there's actually a celebrity at Disneyland" that day, and our press badges looked to authentic (yay for us) we had to remove them and behave. Disneyland management and higher ups really have a stick up their butts, I tell ya. Second ride, Haunted Mansion, we got to ride back up the large elevator with all the photos, the stretching room, you know, on our backs...the ride person told us to lay on the ground and it just looks neat watching the ceiling coming rushing back at you so that was different. And Alfred got to go into California Adventure for the first time. We only did California Screamer, The Tower of Terror and Soaring Over California, but really, those were the couple of rides that aer worth it. All in all, we had a great time :)

Oh yeah, the new Batman movie, rocks. Heath Ledger, its a damn shame, he did an awesome, awesome, creepy job.

Lonely...

I am alone. I miss my friends. I have none here. I hate it. No one even seems to talk to me anymore, or very rarely. What the point anymore?

Life is going well. Alfred and I are still doing fantastically. Lilly is getting big so fast and is such a delight. I'm finally seeing some muscle definition on my thighs which is awesome. Speaking of Lilly here are some new photos, mostly goofy ones, she has the silliest expressions, but she's cute nonetheless :)

http://picasaweb.google.com/aroebuck/June2008BabyLillian?authkey=7YZ5Wu6H150

Slowly...

It's been a roller coaster, but I'm slowly gaining some control. I stopped going to my therapy class. It was just stressing me out to get to work on time so I can leave and spend that time after work in a class when I rather be hiking or spending time with my daughter. They gave me the tools I needed in the beginning to help me work on fixing myself, I'm not stupid, I figured it out. So, when I felt a spiral begin to happen, I was able to work myself out of it instead of shutting down. Am I better? Hell no. But am I better than I was? Yes. I'm learning how to just remove myself from the situation and breath working through what I can feel could tumble out of control if I let it and keep it from getting below a certain level. I am still sensitive. I find myself thinking that Alfred's annoyed at me or criticizing me, but the rational part of me thinks that may be silly and there's no reason to feel hurt. Same thing when I feel my temper boiling up, I step back, and know that there's no reason for the irrational anger so I remove myself and remain quiet until the rage passes....or I take it out on the damn ants invading our house. It's helped. My job is still a trigger so it's difficult to combat working and the PPD, which may be why I won't be better anytime soon, but at least I can tell when I'm starting to decline and am able to stop it for the most part. Yeah, I still cry, but I only cry for a couple minutes and not all the time. Slowly, one step at a time, slowly, I heal. Going hiking has been great. I'm finally able to do it every other day now and am actually starting to see muscle tone working its way through the fat! My c-section belly will never be toned...I'll probably need a tummy tuck for that, but at least everything else is slowly edging its way back to shape, and that is a huge, huge help. Plus, I love getting out in the backcountry, away from the city for awhile. I hate living in the suburbs. I miss the open country desperately.

Lilly's doing fantastically. She's gone from a baby that has to always be in motion, not letting us sit because she wants us walking around with her to actually chilling with mommy and daddy, sitting on the couch. She talks up a storm, making new sounds all the time. She's very very close to saying, "mama"...of course when she's crying and upset she sounds like she's saying, "No!" or "Maaaa!" She also "sings" in the car along with me or with the music playing, its really cute. She has tried to crawl and has managed to fling herself a couple inches. She lifted herself onto her knees yesterday briefly and has also tried to sit up from laying down. Ahhh!! Growing up so fast. We've also had to start solids. She's grabbing at my drinking glass and putting it to her mouth to "drink" So I've been letting her play with her sipping cup filled with water as she can have small amounts of water now to satisfy that need of wanting a cup to "drink" (she can only manage to get out like a drop from the cup at this point so I'm not worried). So far we know she enjoys sweet potatoes mixed with a bit of cinnamon and carrots. We're still experimenting with pre-made organic baby food so we can find out what she likes and then once we have a list, I'll be making homemade baby food for her.

And yeah, that's about it...

Moose-Girl!

We have such a moose child! Now I can understand people saying she's a big girl, because damn, she's a big girl! She weighed in at 17 lbs, 9 oz and measured 26.5 inches long! Holy crap. The doctor assured us that her height and weight are proportional and not to worry about her being fat because she's not, she just a big girl! I'm thinking, yeah, how can she be fat when all she gets is formula! And she only has 4-5 feedings a day 4-6oz, which is the normal minimal amount. The doctor looked the Lilly, then Alfred and laughed, saying she's really pulling from daddy's genes in this. Yeesh child! Moose-girl!

Alfred gave Lilly his cold, then she gave it to me, ugh I say, ugh! I had to miss my group therapy class last night because I felt like crap! And I have to work today because there's only 2 of us admins in upstairs. I want to sleeeeeep. Bleh *flails*

And baby says, dance magic dance!

Here are some updated photos of our little LilyPad!

http://picasaweb.google.com/aroebuck/May2008BabyLillian?authkey=EbV9IbpqoD4

She has her 4 month appointment this afternoon so we'll find out how much of a moose she's become and how long she is now. She also caught Alfred's cold so she was very stuffed up and bellowed every time we suctioned the snot out of her nose, poor thing. Otherwise, she was in a good mood but of course, today she gets like 6 vaccinations (1 oral, 2 shots in one leg and a really huge, evil needle in the other...I think that's the HepB one, which really, I think is evil to give to infants. They didn't require us to get them until we were 13. Unfortunately its required for school now so alas, she must get it). So yay, nothing like injecting the body with dead viruses when its got its first cold....tonight's gonna be fun. We're also going to ask the pedi when we can try and see if she can tolerate something other than the Nutramigen formula. I think not until 6 months, but, knowing that will help, its so damn expensive. We tried feeding bananas yesterday, lol same drama queen yuck face as the apples, but she started to arch her back away from the spoon so those are off the list for now :P

Enjoy the photos...oh if you know anyone in need of a cheap wedding dress, I'm trying to sell mine, for about $300, includes the petty coat and veil, so its a bargain considering what I paid for all of that plus the alterations to be able to make it into a French bustle...if the offer is serious enough, I'm willing to go down a bit lower. So yeah, just in case, pass the word, I have photos for those who don't remember it, its a rockin' dress....too bad the marriage wasn't (my therapist suspects the ex was possibly into drugs with his rapid mood swings and not paying the bills).

Life continues...

I'm at work early today as I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I'm currently on Heather's computer because IT took mine away on Friday and hasn't given it back. You'd think they'd come with a temporary, but hah, that would be too logical for our IT department. :P

After being here for almost 2 years, an Asset Forfeiture Specialist position finally became available. Its with DEA and non-contract. So, yes, I applied for it. Even if I don't get chosen for an interview, I am still proud of myself for getting through the process. Government jobs makes you write these KSAs (knowledge, skills and abilities), which are like 1/2-1 full page essay answers to questions they pose on the application. It's really a wonder how we get idiots in TSA and other various departments when they have to do these KSAs as well, but maybe they have idiots on the scoring panel, who knows? Anyhow, there were 10 of these KSAs *twitch* Actually 5 per Grade level. 5 for GS-09 and the same 5 for GS-11. Even though you only wanted to be considered for one level (I know I'm not GS-11 material, I know my limits :P), they made you answer the questions for both levels (which I say, is stupid). Then, after all that, and entering in work history, and education history, they wanted me to provide my transcripts. Wtf? I'm going off my work experience, 3 years of asset forfeiture work, not my education. All my education shows is that I'm an average 2.9 GPA ('cause I'm a slacker and procrastinator), I have an associates degree and a bachelor's degree, and I can read and write relatively well when I put my mind to it (re: I'm a slacker...). So anyway, luckily I already had attachments of unofficial copies available to provide them with. After I was done, I thought, screw it, I have PPD so I'm going to think negatively about it anyway so I beat you to slapping it down, so there, hah! We'll see what comes of it, probably nothing, but at least I managed to do it even through the PPD attacks. If something did come of it, I'd feel bad for work here, but at the same time two event occurred that kind of helped push me to decide to go ahead and apply for it.

I am usually the main backup support to one of our admins here when she's not available or out of the office. I help her managers out, take her phone calls, etc. So you'd think I'd be the logical person to go to when it came to handling the calender for certain board meetings and such, right? Since the calendar is right there in our area. No, her managers suggested Heather do it. I felt like I was slapped in the face, passed over, thought not capable of being able to do the job. I have less on my plate than Heather does right now, poor girl, she's over taxed as it is. I on the other hand, am bored off my ass. I haven't had much going on since I came back from maternity, which isn't helping my PPD because I feel useless and worthless. I know, they probably just weren't thinking, but still. So there was that. And then in June we have our black tie fundraising event, RITZ. I was passed over again. I was never asked to work it this year, never given the opportunity. Wtf? We all usually work it. I know its because they're probably thinking they're being nice, as I've got a 4 month old infant at home and can't work that late (from 8pm to 2am) or anything, but still, give me the chance to turn it down! At least offer it to me! And just because I have a kid, don't assume I can't! Yep, feeling real good here about all of it *dripping with sarcasm*

Lets see, we're trying to give Lily the taste of "solids" now. She hates rice cereal and is very unsure about applesauce. We cracked up at her expression on her face when trying applesauce. "Omg, omg, what the hell is this? Ew Ew ew ew!" she didn't lean away from the spoon like she did with the rice cereal, but she wasn't exactly looking pleased. I'm going to puree up a banana and see if she likes that next, silly girl. Then we're on to veggies, carrots, sweet potato...she's such a chatterbox lately, its amusing. She babbles through her bottle and pacifier even. She's blowing raspberries now, she's laughing at things that amuse her...its so amazing to watch all the sudden development and have her transform from just a baby to something more.

Okay, I'd better go find another computer to work on now as Heather will be in soonish...

Had my first appointment with the therapist today. We'll see how the rest goes. She wants me to do a group therapy session twice a week, its some cognitive based whatever type of therapy in addition to seeing her. We talked about many things, but she seems to feel it won't take me to long to recover from this mess. I don't feel like going into details at the moment.

I spent from 9 pm until 7 am Friday night-Sat morning in the ER. Alfred made me go. I suddenly developed severe stabbing stomach pains and vomiting. I even vomited 3 times while in the ER even with two doses of Zofran in my system. Granted, I think one had to do with too much liquid in the belly. They made me drink 3.75 bottles of a vanilla shake barium drink within 45 minutes so they do a CT Scan...needless to say, I threw up about half a bottle :P They had no clue what was wrong which didn't make me feel better. I didn't want to go because with the therapist appointment on my file for depression, I didn't want them thinking I was drug-seeking. It was not until I was in therapy this morning that I found out the person who took my call for a therapist appointment put down that I feel I may be harmful towards my baby.....uhm, no. When I asked, I said no and the lady responded, "Good, thats good" but she put down "Yes" anyway....so here I'm thinking...oh great, that probably looked stellar on my file for the ER visit! It's taken off now, but still. Oy.

And my train of through has derailed so I'll just stop now...

Crazed Mind

Lily finally smiled at me last night and then this morning when she woke up. That warmed my heart.

We found the number to Kaiser's Behavior Health Line. Alfred called and spoke to a psychiatrist over the phone. They provided him with the number to call, and also stated that if I wanted to talk over the phone, I call the BH Line and can talk to them, as they're all psychiatrists and most have experience with PPD. But, and here's the big but. In my mind, the logic is broken. I may know that I need help, and I may want the help and I know that I should probably get it because given time I may be at the risk of losing everything, but I won't do it. It's not that I don't know any better, its just that I won't. I can't explain it. People who have been mentally ill before, depressive wise, probably could understand exactly what I mean. I know Heidi does. So, I won't make the phone call for an appointment, and if I did, I wouldn't go to the appointment. This is probably why they emphasis to partners of PPD suffers that they may have to be the ones to take over, to make the appointments, to drag the person to the appointments. Something goes on in our minds that puts a stopper on what we know is probably right. So, he's supposed to make the phone call today. He made me provide him with my medical record number before I left the house for work. We'll see what comes of it, he's making the call as I type this.

My mother sent me a horrible email. I know she's trying to help. I know its because she loves me. But basically she told me to stop being stubborn and selfish and get the help before its too late, before Alfred leaves and leaves with Lily, etc., etc., mmm yeah, not the type of email you want to get in a emotionally fragile state while at work. I can't break down here, I can't cry. I have to suppress everything and get through the day. You have any idea how difficult that is? You realize how little there is out there regarding being a working mom with PPD? Yeah, there's an article or two from people who are freelance writers for a living but it doesn't touch on what its like being in an office from day to day, in a corporation, like so many of us are, working full time while suffering from PPD. Working is a trigger that contributes to PPD. Where is the information? I guess perhaps, as I go through this, maybe I'll be that person, to say this is what its like when you must go into the office when you rather stay home and cry.

Hazy

I tried calling. I tried calling for help. My employer offers an Employee Assistance Program which offers 6 free visits to a therapist, however, I was just given names of general psychologist who have the standard experience in plain depression only. I know enough to realize PPD must be handled differently. It is imperative to find a doctor with experience in PPD/A patients, otherwise, you're just shoved medication, and belittled for not being happier. So, I was out of luck there. I tried searching through the Postpartum Health Alliance (PHA) resources, but many of their doctors do not accept insurance, of if they do, do not accept my insurance. I can't afford to get the help. My health plan has psychiatrists available, but again, I've no idea if they have the experience and knowledge I'd need. So, I tried and failed. Alfred took the number for PHA's helpline to call for me as I gave up and was tired of being discouraged. I mean seriously, how is any of this helpful? It's just stressing me out even worse. So, he called, and is waiting for someone to call him back with maybe some sort of information.

In the meantime, I fade, slowly, sinking into a hazy stupor. My daughter is my joy. She hasn't smiled at me since Monday. She's smiled at my mom, my step-father, Alfred's mom, and most of all, her daddy. I've lifted myself from the fog to smile at her, to talk to her, to play with her, to bathe her, to read to her and nothing. This morning she kind of crinkled her face at me like, "Whatever." She doesn't want me. She clearly doesn't need me. She's got Alfred. She's got her daddy who loves her so very much and who she obviously loves more.

My joy is lost.

Therapy, I think

I'm considering therapy. I realize I probably need it, but I rather, like Meredith in the last few episode's of Grey's Anatomy (Season 4), defiantly declare, "I don't need therapy!"

I thought I didn't have anything to talk about, but apparently I do.

You see, I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD) three weeks after our daughter, Lillian was born. Alfred, the ever loving piece of my heart, contacted his doctor, got me in to see her (as I did not have a primary care physician at the time), she asked me a few basic questions, then scribbled a prescription for Zoloft. I was absolutely adamant about not wanting to take the medication, so I just didn't. I'm now at 4 months postpartum with good days and bad days. Unfortunately the bad days have become worse and last longer. I felt numb, I just didn't care. Yeah, I could go through the emotions, but really, I didn't care. Last night, I figured out where it stemmed from.

I was depressed pretty much the entire pregnancy. It wasn't the joyous occasion it should have been. I could not revel in it. I could not rejoice. When people exclaimed, "Congratulations" I'd feel the smile on my lips, stretched and wooden, as I pronounced the words I knew was polite to say, "Thank you." But did I really deserve the admiration? I didn't feel like I did.

The pregnancy wasn't planned. It was that silly little 1% of the 99% effective birth control pills at the wrong time. It was born in a field abundant with stress and negativity and for sometime it did not get better. Emotionally, it was always a struggle because I felt guilty. I felt as if I did something wrong by deciding to keep the baby. I felt ashamed. I was hurt for so long, I was very, very hurt but felt it was a proper penance for the pain I had caused in the past so perhaps I deserved it after all.

And that is just the overview of why I probably need therapy. So, I stare at the number on my desk. I've picked up the phone twice only to place it back into its holder, changing my mind. I don't need therapy, but, perhaps, just maybe, I do.